


You Deserve Better

by mochiseobie



Category: BTOB
Genre: Angst, Blind Character, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M, RP/Retinitis Pigmentosa, and hugs and kisses, changsub is blind, insecure changsub, supportive and loving sungjae, there are a lot of tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-09-12 22:15:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16880238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mochiseobie/pseuds/mochiseobie
Summary: Changsub knew that Sungjae loved him.It was evident to not only him, but everyone around them. From the brief affections he gave him when they had company to how closely he embraced him when they were alone, everything he did succeeded in making Changsub feel as loved as possible. Doubting that was just a waste of time, considering how genuine all of it is.But after being diagnosed with retinitis pigmentosa, he began to question whether he was enough.





	You Deserve Better

Changsub knew that Sungjae loved him.

It was evident to not only him, but everyone around them. From the brief affections he gave him when they had company to how closely he embraced him when they were alone, everything he did succeeded in making Changsub feel as loved as possible. Doubting that was just a waste of time, considering how genuine all of it is.

But after being diagnosed with retinitis pigmentosa and having to deal with the process of that together, insecurities began to build up within Changsub. The doubts developed from him as an individual rather than Sungjae's love towards him, and no matter how much he tried to push them away, they lingered and stuck to him like glue.

Because as his sight began to decline, his vulnerability increased. Suddenly he couldn't go anywhere without the other by his side to support him, his sense of direction lacking and anxiety plaguing him in result. His fear of the point where probably most of his vision would diminish prevented him from sleeping soundly, which led to multiple breakdowns and a constant need for comfort. Every day there was something, and it just felt so pathetic and ridiculous to him that he began to despise himself.

He was being a nuisance. Sungjae didn't deserve someone so useless and pitiful - he deserved someone who he could do things with freely and without the constant concern of them hurting themselves or anything like that. Even after Changsub became completely blind and somewhat comfortable with that change, he felt like he was exhausting Sungjae's care for him and preventing him from doing the things he actually wanted to do with him as a partner. It didn't feel fair at all, and it was making the older's self-loathing increase continuously.

He guessed that must have been readable on his features because Eunkwang had ended up asking him about it, too concerned for his own good.

"You don't look really happy recently, Seobie," he told him. They were sitting together in the kitchen, sipping on some coffee whilst talking. It wasn't surprising that he brought it up - the two had been close for probably the longest time within their friendship group, which was why Eunkwang was always exceptional when it came to reading Changsub's emotions. Changsub was expecting it, really, but the bluntness did catch him off guard slightly. "Is something going on? What's making you feel so negatively?"

His fingers followed the curve of the handle on his cup, eyes downcast. "Nothing."

"That's not true and you know it," Eunkwang sighed. He placed his hand on top of Changsub's free one and gave it a gentle, reassuring squeeze. "You can tell me anything, you know. I'm always here for you."

"I know."

The older was quiet for a little while, probably thinking of what was the best thing he could say at that moment. Changsub didn't really want to talk about it, though, despite knowing that it'd help to some degree. Saying his worries out loud had never been his forte.

"Is it about Sungjae?" Changsub tensed up before he could stop himself. "So it is."

Changsub sighed, rubbing his hands over his face. "It's not him that's the problem."

He could practically see the disbelief on the other's face. "Are you sure?"

" _Yes_ ," he confirmed. "It's me. He did nothing wrong."

"What do you mean? What did you do?"

"I-" Changsub tried to collect his thoughts, leaning back in his chair. "I just... had a revelation, I guess. Regarding our relationship."

"It's not balanced. Like, at all. I feel like... everything revolves around me, you know? And I don't want that for Sungjae. He's done so much for me and I feel like I can't give him anything in return. He deserves more than that; someone who can do and give him everything and anything."

"Seobie..."

"It's somewhat selfish, I know," Changsub murmured. "But I'm just a nuisance at this point. Is there any reason for him to stay with me when there's probably someone a lot better out there, who isn't blind and an anxious mess twenty-four seven? I don't think so."

"I think so," Eunkwang said. "Because even despite those things, Sungjae loves you, Seobie. I don't think he would have stayed this long if he didn't. Besides, you're not a nuisance to him at all - or anyone, for that matter. Your blindness doesn't automatically make you a useless and vulnerable person. You don't even need us to guide you that much anymore."

"I know, but-

"No buts," Eunkwang interrupted him, sounding more stubborn and determined than previously. "You can't think like this. I won't let you. You'll only end up destroying yourself if you continue."

Changsub sighed, running a hand through his hair. Eunkwang didn't understand. He was pretty sure no one could at that point. His thoughts were too complex and toxic to be understood, which he guessed was why he never bothered to vocalise them. It had been a waste of time.

"You need to talk to him," the older spoke up again, this time softer. "He's worried about you too, you know."

"I know." Changsub mumbled, because he  _did_. It was more than evident from the way he felt his eyes on him all the time, his touches more hesitant than usual. He hated it, but understood it all the same.

He guessed talking it out really was the only way they'd both feel more at ease.

—-

The wall felt cold as Changsub rested his hands against it. He was using it as a way of getting to his room without colliding into anything in the process, though it was proving to be more difficult than he'd initially thought. Usually, he'd have his cane with him to help guide him more efficiently, but he'd left that in the room, so he had stuck to moving around like this (Eunkwang had offered to just bring him there, but he'd refused, saying that it was a good way of improving his sense of direction and comfort without his cane).

After counting exactly twelve steps, he felt the wooden exterior of the door and determinedly pushed it open. He knew it was his bedroom because he could just barely make out the light flooding through his window that was adjacent to him, and he'd memorised the amount of steps it took to reach it from every room in their apartment. He walked inside, going to search for his cane so he would know where it was if he needed to use it later, but halting in his steps when he heard feet rustling against the carpet.

"Who's there?"

"Changsub-hyung."

The rustling became louder until suddenly there were arms around his waist and he was being pulled into an embrace. Changsub gasped a little in surprise, his face getting squished in a shoulder that felt all too familiar.

"Sungjae?" he asked, voice muffled but still audible.

There was a nod from where Sungjae was resting his head on Changsub's own shoulder, and Changsub lifted his arms to wrap them around Sungjae's waist in return. The younger was holding him tighter than usual, which made him slightly confused and worried considering how hesitant their affections have been until now.

"I'm so sorry."

Changsub instantly tensed up, frowning. He had no idea why Sungjae would be apologising to him, but at the same time, he felt like he knew. And that was terrifying as well as nerve-wracking.

"Why are you sorry?"

"I-" Changsub felt his shoulder getting wet and realised with dread that Sungjae was crying. His heart plummeted down to the floor. He hated it whenever Sungjae cried, mostly because he wasn't the best at comforting and therefore felt like he could do little to nothing to help him. Which hurt,  _a lot_ , considering how much Sungjae helped  _him_. It just reminded him of why he was so useless in their relationship. "I d-didn't know that you were f-feeling like this and -  _hyung_ , I'm  _so sorry_ , I should have realised-"

"Sungjae, calm down," Changsub told him, trying to sound as collected as he could despite not feeling like that on the inside. He pushed away his thoughts for now and finally moved away from the embrace enough so he could touch Sungjae's tear-stained face, gently wiping the tears away. "I can't make out what you're saying when you're hyperventilating on me like that. Breathe in and out and then speak, okay?"

Sungjae nodded his head. He was about to retreat his hand from him only to have the other cling onto it with his own, resting the back of it against his warm cheek. A small smile plastered itself onto Changsub's lips, his heart fluttering despite the ache that swallowed it.

After a few moments of silence, only their breathing filling the room, Sungjae finally spoke.

"I heard your conversation with Eunkwang-hyung," he said quietly. Changsub's eyes immediately widened, his stomach dropping. That was what he had been dreading to hear. He didn't want Sungjae to hear that conversation, not when he had basically spilled all his thoughts that entailed all kinds of insecurities and doubts concerning not only their relationship, but him as an individual. It made him feel too vulnerable and exposed. "I was just passing by when I heard what the subject was, and I couldn't help but eavesdrop. I know it was wrong and I'm sorry for doing that - that's probably not how you wanted me to find out about your feelings, but I couldn't just  _ignore_  it. Especially since I'm the reason why you're feeling like that in the first place."

Changsub frowned. That was definitely not true. "You're not-"

"I  _am_ , hyung," Sungjae interrupted him. His stare was so intense that Changsub felt it burning through him. "And I'm sorry for that. I'm so sorry if I ever made you feel inadequate, like you're not enough or worth it, like you don't deserve the entire world. Like you're not  _loved_. I never want to do that to you.  _Ever_."

There was a tear sliding down the back of Changsub's hand that was still on Sungjae's cheek, and Changsub's throat tightened in result. Sungjae had gotten it all wrong and was now blaming himself for everything, which was probably the worst thing that could have happened. He wanted the other to know that he wasn't the problem at all - it was all him and no one else. It was him who lacked and didn't succeed in proving just how much he valued his boyfriend.

"I love you so, so much, Changsubie-hyung," the younger told him sincerely, sniffling and kissing Changsub's knuckles softly. He felt his heart ache more with every kiss. "I always have, even before we got together and you became blind. You have never been a nuisance to me. I love doing everything with you, even if that is taking care of you and helping you mentally. It makes me happy knowing that I can do that for you."

"But that's the thing," He mumbled, gently removing his hand from Sungjae. "You do so much for me, yet I do nothing in return. You don't deserve that, Sungjae. I shouldn't always be the one who's on the receiving end."

"You're not always on the receiving end," Sungjae disagreed. "You do a lot for me, too, even if you aren't aware of it."

Changsub scoffed, wanting to laugh at the absurdity of that statement. "Like what?"

"Like loving me despite everything we have been through," Sungjae replied. "Trying to comfort me even though you know you aren't the best at it. Always holding me tight and telling me you love me right before we go to sleep. Acting like you're okay when you're clearly not just so I won't get worried. Stuff that you think aren't important, but in reality mean the world to me."

He was stepping closer and Changsub didn't dare to move, the warmth radiating off the younger as he felt their noses brush against each other. Sungjae's hand came up to rest gently on his cheek, his thumb caressing the progressively rosier skin.

"You think everything you do for me pales in comparison because you're blind and that apparently makes you a weak person who constantly needs help," Sungjae murmured, his breath fanning against Changsub's face. "But it doesn't. You're strong, Changsub-hyung. The truth is, I can't really do much for you because you tend to do everything yourself these days, and that makes me both proud and sad. Mostly proud, though, so I won't hold it against you."

There was a smile on his face, Changsub knew it, and despite that along with the comforting words he'd uttered, he felt melancholy. Perhaps it was because Sungjae was so close to him, that he was  _right there_ , but at that moment he wished for nothing more than to see him. Even if it was a mere glimpse, as long as he could see his boyfriend's gorgeous face that he had imprinted so firmly in his mind again, he would be satisfied.

Too bad that that wasn't going to happen. Sungjae's presence was always going to be something that he simply felt and heard; something that was surrounded by darkness, just like everything else. He knew that, yet no matter how much he tried to accept it and get used to it, he couldn't. And he probably never would.

His throat tightened, chest burning. He hated being blind.

Turning away so Sungjae couldn't see his face, he tried to hold back the tears that had gathered in his eyes. He didn't want to cry, not in front of Sungjae and especially not because of something that he'd already wasted so much tears on. But it hurt -  _God_ , it hurt so much.

"Changsubie-hyung?" Sungjae inquired, sounding concerned. He attempted to get the other to face him, but he was too stubborn. "Hey, what's up? Are you crying?"

Changsub shook his head. The tears were flowing down his cheeks, however, fast and in large quantities. Why was he being so emotional?

"Yes, you are," the younger argued, using his hold on Changsub's face to pull him closer. "Look at me."

Despite not wanting to, Changsub obliged. His face heated up in embarrassment as he felt Sungjae wipe away his tears.

"Why are you crying?" he asked, voice softer than before. "Did I say something wrong? I didn't hurt you, did I?"

Changsub shook his head again quickly. "No, o-of course not," he said. He rubbed away his tears with the sleeve of his hoodie. "It's not your fault. I'm just... emotional."

"Because of what I said?"

"Yeah." he agreed, even though it wasn't. It was better than saying what he was really emotional about. At least that way Sungjae wouldn't have to worry about him.

"So it is my fault," Sungjae chuckled lightly, pulling him into a hug. Changsub buried his face in his neck, glad that he believed him, and circled his arms around his waist tightly. "I'm sorry for making you cry."

"It's okay."

Sungjae ran his hands through Changsub's hair, kissing the top of his head. Changsub closed his eyes, feeling the tears gradually come to a stop. Even though he'd probably never get over not being able to see anymore, he wasn't going to take being able to touch and hear his boyfriend for granted. It was comforting to know he had that, at least.

"Don't bottle up your feelings anymore, okay?" Sungjae said quietly after a few moments of silence. "It's not healthy and only makes you suffer more alone. Talk to me or anyone you feel comfortable with instead so we can help you."

Changsub nodded. "I'll try," he pulled away to face the other, a small smile on his face. "For you, and the others."

"Good," Sungjae gave his lips a chaste peck. "Because we're always here for you."

His smile widened and he cupped Sungjae's face in his hands to lean in for another kiss, this time longer and slower.

"I know."

He felt Sungjae smile against him, his hands resting on his waist to pull him closer. The tension was already leaving his body, the weight that had been weighing down on his shoulders gradually being lifted until there was nothing left. The younger's affect on him had always been ridiculous, but he couldn't ask for a better medicine.

Just as he was about to pull away Sungjae suddenly lifted him from the ground, hoisting him up by his waist. He squealed stupidly in surprise, clutching onto Sungjae's shoulders to keep himself steady. The younger laughed, carrying him to the bed where he lay him down gently. Changsub was confused for a second until Sungjae was climbing on top of him, his hands on each side of his head.

"I love you." he murmured. Changsub felt his face heat up so much that it burned, unsure of what was going on but not exactly minding it.

"I love you, too."

Sungjae cupped Changsub's cheeks and leaned down to pepper gentle kisses all over his face. Changsub scrunched his features instinctively at the ticklish feeling, not expecting it at all, and let out a giggle before he could stop himself. He was pretty sure his face was a red as a tomato now.

"You're so cute," the younger complained in between kisses. "Why are you so cute?"

"I'm not cute."

"You sure?" Sungjae asked, pulling away after placing one last kiss onto the tip of Changsub's nose. "Because you're wrong."

Changsub shook his head. "No, I'm not," he said. "You're wrong."

"Nope."

"Yes."

"No."

" _Yes_."

" _No_."

"Sungjae-"

"No, and that's final," he lay his head on Changsub's chest and wrapped his arms around his torso, cuddling into him. "And now I'm never getting off you."

Changsub smiled despite himself and chuckled a bit. "Is that supposed to be my punishment?"

Sungjae nodded. Changsub shook his head fondly and rested his arms on Sungjae's back.

"Such a brat."

"Your brat." Sungjae returned confidently. Changsub couldn't argue with that, so he just ran his fingers through Sungjae's hair, absentmindedly playing with the strands. He felt the vibration of Sungjae's hum of approval against his chest and smiled, a wave of content washing over him at how the situation turned out.

Honestly, he had truly been willing to leave Sungjae for the sake of his happiness, but now that he pondered more about it, he realised that he wouldn't be able to. No matter how much he loved him and treasured him, Sungjae's own love for him would be holding him back from completely letting go. The younger would cling to him purely because he knew that it wasn't what Changsub really wanted, and though Changsub wasn't willing to admit it, Sungjae knew him better than he knew himself.

He guessed that was why they were so strong as a couple. They prevented each other from doing stupid things that they knew they'd regret.

Changsub sighed quietly to himself - someday, he was going to allow himself to be fully happy. Being blind wasn't going to define him as a person and it won't hold him (or anyone) back either. It'll just be a part of him that he'll eventually embrace fully enough to be comfortable and confident with. 

He looked at Sungjae, feeling warm and peaceful despite the darkness that filtered his vision. _Someday_ , he promised himself. Even it took years, he knew he'd get there eventually. 

And he knew Sungjae was going to be by his side the entire time.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't know how to end this, so I'm sorry if it seems rushed and doesn't make any sense. Also, I didn't proof-read this bc im lazy af, but I hope the mistakes aren't too annoying.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed and thank you for reading this! <3


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